deux semaines

I keep having nightmares that wake me up in the middle of the night. I dream that I can't remember how to drive a car, that I don't recognize my best friends, that I get lost trying to get home, that I can't remember how to speak english. I know that none of that is going to happen, but worries of returning are always in the back of my mind. I can't turn off my brain. It's not fair that all of this has to end in two weeks. I've worked so hard to get here, to be happy, to make friends and speak french. Leaving the US was without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done, and it's still hard to think about my last days there. But I think leaving Switzerland will somehow be even harder. When I left the US I knew that in 11 months I would be returning to everything there. But Switzerland is a different story. I know I will be back someday, but what's Switzerland without my fellow frenchies? The other exchange students here are the ones who kept me going when I was sad. They're the only ones who really understand my feelings and struggles, and they're the only one's who can rejoice in my success and truly know what it means. But now they're all going back to their homes spread throughout the world too, and I know Switzerland will be losing a lot of valuable people the day they leave. I know coming back to Switzerland will make me so happy, but it will lose a lot of it's magic without the other exchange students. Because of that, I believe leaving Switzerland might be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. Harder than leaving Bay Village and harder than my first couple of months here, because it's like losing a part of me. Switzerland has been my life for the past 11 months and I have fallen in love with the country. But next time I come back the important aspects of the country will be gone, and I don't think it can ever fully return to it's whole self. So of course I'm excited to go back home, but I'm heartbroken to leave behind the world that was formed here. Is it even possible to leave behind a home, yet return home at the same time?

Ironique

About 2 weeks before my departure for Switzerland, I changed my mind. I didn't want to come here, I didn't want to leave my friends and family behind. I had a marvelous life and spent my days with amazing people.

Now, about 2 weeks before my departure for America, I've changed my mind. I don't want to leave. I don't want to go back to the small bubble of Bay Village. I've got amazing friends who've kept me alive and an even more amazing family who've shown me how wonderful Switzerland is.

Kind of ironic, isn't it?

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm supposed to be feeling. At times all I want to do is leave this place, because I promise, I honestly do miss my friends and family. But then I think of how small my life was before Switzerland. I've been with the same people since I was born and it's been so nice to get away. I've figured out who I am here, and I've become so much more honest with myself and others. I'm surrounded by culture and I'm with people from all over the world. I have the entire country of Switzerland to explore, I take trains almost everyday, just trying to discover a new part of the country. Today I went to France by boat, wanna know why? Because I can! I have so much freedom here, and then I start to think about going home... I have to find a job, I have to start college, I have to study and work hard to become successful. I'm already stressed just thinking about it, a to-do list has already been forming in my head for weeks. So why leave a place where I have no stress and am completely comfortable? Because I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss boating on Lake Erie and eating Taco Bell at 2am. I miss aimlessly driving around and blasting my music. I just hope that when everything else returns to normal, I can still remember everything I learned this year.

Time for another photo update!

My host family in Barcelona! We rented bikes for an afternoon and cruised around the city.

My host sister Pauline and I while waiting in line for the cathedral.

Epitome of my family. Maxime, Guillaume, Me and Pauline

The beach in Barcelona!

Parc Güell

Barcelona was amazing and it was really fun to take a trip with my host family, but it was still good to get back to Switzerland.

This week my friend Kelsey came to visit me! She's from Bay Village but is studying in Florence for 6 weeks. So she came up to Switzerland for the weekend.

We took an afternoon to go see the Castle of Chillon with Mylisha and her cousin April who is also visiting Fribourg.

Lac Léman

With Mylisha at the castle

Just doing some interpretive dancing

On another note, I have to leave Switzerland in 19 days. What? I'm pretty sure I'm not okay with that. And it doesn't really help that my host mom brings it up practically every single day, making sure that I don't overpack, talking about train times and plans for the last week here. But don't worry, I told my host sister that I'm just going to stay here and she didn't have a problem with it. Although I am looking forward to seeing the midnight premier of Harry Potter in Bay Village, so I guess that means I'll have to leave...

Hola, cómo estás?

Long story short, Barcelona was amazing! I forgot how much I love the ocean and napping on the beach. Spanish people are awesome and Spain is so much more relaxed than Switzerland. But it was still a relief to come home. I prefer trains instead of taxis, mountains instead of the beach (well actually, that might be a tie) and in general, Switzerland is a lot cleaner than the rest of Europe. I'll post some pictures once I've got them on my computer.

On another note, my ankle is healing quite nicely, but sadly I've gotten terribly sick. I've got a nice combo of a runny nose, a cough and some congestion/headache situation going on. It's like a mix between a cold and allergies. So much fun. and ladies and gentleman, karma has taught me my lesson: I've been skipping way too much school to go exploring, so now when i'm actually sick and could use a day off, I have to go to school. great. But it's okay because my host sister Pauline has been making me this magical tea that is super yummy, so hopefully all will be well soon!

I come home exactly one month from today. But I'll save the freakout for another time.

merde...

Once upon a time I thought it would be smart to go running in the forest. I tripped and fell over a root and sort of killed my ankle. So now my foot is the size of a balloon and I have a very lovely bruise on my ankle.

but it's fine, because I'M GOING TO BARCELONA TOMORROW!

adios switzerland!

it's still good

Spent the day visiting the Castle of Chillon with Mylisha and Grace, yet another perfect day in the Swiss sun.

Paradise.

After dinner the weather dropped from 80 to 60 as an enormous thunderstorm rolled in. I'm spending the evening sitting on my windowsill watching the lightening and letting Andrea Gibson serenade me with her poetry. If you've never heard of her, go watch her other videos on youtube :)

"You never really stop missing someone, you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence."

No other quote has been more true. I know I'm happy here, and I've lived without the aspects of my american life for over 9 months. I could see myself staying here forever. But then all of a sudden I think of tiny little things from Bay, and they make my heart ache all over again. That's the one thing nobody ever warned me about. Homesickness literally hurts. It creates an aching pain that is indescribable. And it never really goes away, you just get used to the feeling, you get used to the loss inside of you. But then you start thinking of the things that cause you pain, and the feeling starts all over again. For one thing, my dog. I'm so used to the stupid cats my family has, and sometimes I pretend to get along with them. But then I think of how excited Buddy always is when I come home, and I miss him all over again. I miss driving my car and blasting music as loud as possible. I'm comfortable here with my family, but i'm always a little bit more reserved around them. In Bay I will fill the house with music and dance around in my pajamas, i haven't done that in ages. I miss the lake so much. I miss boating and tubing and watching thunderstorms over the water. I miss the small things, free refills, ice machines in the freezer, screens on the window so bugs don't get in. And needless to say, I miss my friends. It's hard to stay in contact with people living in a completely different world, but there are people who have stuck with me this whole time, and they are the ones who I'm excited to go home to. So yeah, for the most part I'm doing alright, I'm happy I've built my life here, but then I think of everything I get to go home to, and I get so excited. But then it hits me that going back to my old life means saying goodbye to my new life. My ears will no longer be filled with the beautiful french language and I will no longer see the stunning mountains everyday when I wake up. I won't get to ride trains and most importantly, I won't be surrounded by the people who have kept me alive this year. My friends have kept me sane when I was barely hanging on, and they know me better than I know myself. If it were up to me, I would go home for the summer, spend some time in Bay Village, and then I would come back here. But unfortunately responsibilities await me back home, and I can't spend my whole life running away from them.