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Stole this from Grace. It's been almost seven months, yet I can feel it like it was yesterday. Words can't explain how much I miss them.

“Homesickness is… absolutely nothing. Fifty percent of the people in the world are homesick all the time. You don’t really long for another country. You long for something in yourself that you don’t have, or haven’t been able to find.”

Sometimes I can still picture my entire route to school. I wake up, and can picture my old room, the sound my door used to make, the flushing of the toilet. How I used to take the elevator from the apartment to the first floor. Walking to the bus stop, where I would see faces but never talk to them because I was too into my American music; listen to music and the day would go by faster. Remember the 4 minute bus ride, even feel the curves on the thin windy road. Walking down the stairs only to go back up another flight to get in-between the tracks. Piling onto the train to go to school, avoiding eye contact because listening to music was easier then trying to have a coherent conversation in french. I can still see the shops as I pass them, each step bringing me to a glass building on a ledge; my own hell. Get through school, and you can see your exchangies. Get through first block, then you can skip the rest. Wait. Why am I going to school? Turn around. Back to the train station to get on a train going anywhere, with The Best because she hated school too. Stolen GAs. Coffee shops. Paying for hot chocolate with only change. Monocos. Bread and cheese lunches, because we were poor. Bitch dialing The Young One because she always called back. 80cents.

Music, French, Trains, Exchangies. The perfect combination for freedom.

I spent about 90% of my year in Switzerland counting down the days until I would be home again. and now the only thing I can think is that I was so stupid for day dreaming about america. I would give so much to go back right now.

la fin

Celebrating the 4th of July in Lucerne with other exchangies

Coming home from the 4th

Grace is legitimately the only reason I've survived this year. I would have been so lost without her.

All of a sudden the countdown went from months to weeks to days and now suddenly we're using hours. 24 hours and I'll be on a plane headed for america. A year ago when I was down to the hour countdown leaving for Switzerland I was a mess. Ask anyone who saw me, I cried for about 3 days straight. So far this departure has shockingly been easier, because this time I know exactly what will be waiting for me when I step off that plane, but at the same time, I don't think it's fully hit me that I'm about to leave everything behind. I can guarantee that I will not be a good sight at the airport tomorrow morning. Grace and I are taking the 5.30am train to the Zurich airport with Mylisha, Meredith and Whitney for company and then we'll meet up with the other AFSers from America who we haven't seen since August and we'll be on our way.

I don't even know how to express how amazing and beneficial this year has been. When I boarded the plane back in August I did not want to come here at all. I was just waiting for my parents to tell me that it's okay if I changed my mind and I could come home. But that phone call never came and I had to face the fact that I was definitely here for a year. My first few weeks here were the hardest weeks I've ever experienced, despite the support of my host family and my new friends, I still wanted to leave this foreign life. Then after months of struggling I suddenly realized that I was happy here. Suddenly french didn't stress me out anymore, I didn't feel awkward living with a family that wasn't mine. I knew the bus and train schedules and had finally stopped getting lost everywhere I went. The feeling can't be described, it's just something you have to experience, but for the first time in my life I felt as if I was actually living. I wasn't just taking up space on the planet, I was doing something. I've hiked endless mountains, touched snow in June, spontaneously hopped on a boat and went to France, traveled to England, Ireland, Netherlands, Italy, Liechtenstein, Turkey and Spain, spent days aimlessly riding trains across the country, met some of the most amazing people I've ever had the fortune of stumbling across, and most importantly I've learned so much about myself this year. I think I've changed a lot this year, I've grown up and realized what I want in life, and I know that every single crappy situation that I went through this year only made me stronger in the long run. I've survived an entire year in a foreign country without knowing a soul when I arrived. If I can survive that, I'm pretty positive I can take anything else life hands my way. So now all I have to say is thank you. Even though I was time zones away, I always had a solid support system in america, and in all honesty, I wasn't really expecting that. But all year long I got messages and letters from my parents, sister, cousins, neighbors and friends. And even just a small email made the world to me, so thank you to all the people that sent little words of encouragement throughout the year. Words can't describe how ecstatic I am to finally be back home, but if you ever see me looking a little lost, please remember that I've just lost everything that has been close to me for the past year. I'm about to leave behind an entire world in order to go back to my old one. I promise I'm excited to finally be back, but it's still bittersweet. I've never had to say goodbye to somebody not knowing if I'll ever see them again. So excuse me if for a while I look a little out of place, I'll just be trying to get back on my feet.

stress

I'm having flashbacks to 11 months ago when I packed up my life to move to Switzerland. But when I did that last summer I had the option of leaving things behind and returning to it in a year. But now I have to fit everything into 2 suitcases, and anything left behind means I'll never see it again. There's not enough room, there's too much weight and I have way too much stuff. I've been really good about getting rid of stuff, but it's still so stressful. I'm worried that the scales at the airport will be different and my bags will suddenly be overweight. I'm worried that they won't qualify my massive bag as a carry-on item. I just want to shove my one way ticket to america in their face just to prove that I'm not coming back and beg for some leeway.

But minus the stresses of packing, I've really been enjoying these past few weeks! I've gone peddle boating in lausanne and swam in the lake. I went boating on lake zurich and went tubing for the first time since last summer. I've been spending my days laying out in the sun, swimming in our pool and relaxing in the park. I feel like right now we're just in an awkward in between zone. We know the end is coming, but we still have to act normal. I've accepted the fact that I'm leaving behind this marvelous life, and I'm actually getting really excited to go home, but I almost wish it would come sooner (although 4 days is pretty soon.) I just hate waiting.

July

someone please explain to me why time has moved so quickly. I still remember my very first day in Switzerland, when I was exhausted and homesick, but I had to sit through a lunch with the entire family. It was all in french and I didn't understand a single word. I remember waking up one week into my exchange thinking "one week down, only 45 to go." For weeks I would only dream about Bay Village and would wake up thinking I had never left. Well here I am 45 weeks later voluntarily going to family lunches because I love joking around with my cousins. I dream in french almost every single night and I'm just happy to be alive. Happy to be in this world that I built completely by myself. It's not that I don't want to go back to America, because believe me, I do. I miss ceiling fans, garbage disposals, screens on windows, taco bell, driving, and obviously my friends and family. But in order to get all of that stuff back I'll have to leave everything I've gained from this year behind. I know where the silverware drawer is, I know the sound of the kitchen door squeaking open, I know every single bus and train time for Fribourg, I have my favorite types of bread and cheese and have picnics in the park. It's the small things that make me realize how comfortable I've become here and how much I'm going to lose once I leave. It's so unfair that you always have to lose something in order to gain something new.

I'm slowly starting to get all of my stuff together. I'm not exactly packing yet, I refuse to take out my suitcase, but I'm trying to organize my life a little bit. I've been throwing out papers all week, stupid stuff from school, random lists I don't need anymore, clothes that no longer fit, empty bottles that I thought I wanted to save and the list goes on and on. This is definitely a challenging task, but I feel like it's also rather beneficial to see exactly what I consider important in my life. yes, I love saving small souvenirs of my life such as receipts and magazine pictures or stolen shot glasses. But is it really essential? Is it really worth the space and weight that it will take up in my suitcase? I feel like once a year I should try to fit my entire life into a suitcase, that way I can get rid of all the stupid stuff I think I need but really don't.

Right before I left for Switzerland I found out my mom would be moving to a new house while I would be here, so I took the time to pack up my entire room into cardboard boxes to get sent to the new house. I think I had 7 boxes sitting in my room when I left for Switzerland, 7 boxes worth of stuff that I consider to be extremely important in my life. But I've lived without that stuff for an entire year, and I can't stop wondering what is inside of those boxes. I know I have a lot of books and scrapbooks, but what else did I think was necessary to save? Unpacking those boxes and getting settled into my new room will definitely make my return more stressful, but I'm actually slightly excited to unpack each box and see if I still consider everything to be as essential as I did before.